


I Don't Wanna Fall Away

by StayAliveFrens



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Developing Relationship, Eventual Smut, Friends to Lovers, Light BDSM, Light Dom/sub, M/M, My First AO3 Post, Slow Burn, Some angst, Top!Tyler, blurry's in it for one chapter, but then it escalates quickly, josh's POV, like very slow, lots of fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-04
Updated: 2016-06-16
Packaged: 2018-07-12 04:29:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 21,313
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7085710
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StayAliveFrens/pseuds/StayAliveFrens
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written from Josh's POV.<br/>Lately, Josh has been having these weird, inappropriate thoughts about his best friend. He doesn't know how long he can fight them, but he doesn't want to risk their friendship either.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. There's Boys In Bands (Ain't No Romance Around There)

**Author's Note:**

> Hey frens!  
> I'm new here so please be gentle. I haven't written a fanfic in about two years and I never actually finished one apart from one-shots, because I'm terrible at finishing stuff, so I decided to finish this one before posting it. I know that's not organic, but forgive me.  
> Also I'll try to post one chapter a day, because I still have to proofread each chapter (english is not my first language, so if I posted the draft version nobody would understand a thing) and that takes time and it's exam season (I'm dying).  
> I really hope I'm doing this right. I'm so nervous.
> 
> Title from Fall Away by twenty one pilots.  
> Title of this chapter from A Certain Romance by Arctic Monkeys.

“To friendship!”

“To friendship!” I joined in, a bit too late and downed my glass, wincing at the acidic aftertaste. Me, Tyler, Mark and the rest of our crew were back on the tour bus, making a toast with plastic wine glasses and cheap grocery store wine we'd bought half an hour ago. Mark generously refilled our glasses. We didn't usually drink on tour, but this was a special occasion - on this day five years ago Tyler and I met for the first time. It seemed weird to celebrate a friendship anniversary or just to remember the date, but our friendship has changed our lifes so profoundly it only seemed fair to acknowledge it.

“Man, it's been five years already?” I asked in disbelieve. The truth is, it didn't seem like a long time at all. All those people in school I've been friends with for far longer, but I haven't shared a bond so deep with any of them. Truly, how could I've called anyone my best friend, before I met Tyler?

“Yeah, before we know it, we'll be old and grey,” added Tyler with a fake sadness in his voice. “Well, I'll be grey, you'll probably be neon yellow or something." He laughed, gliding his hand through his hair that was growing a bit long as he hasn't got a haircut since we started the tour a few months ago. I shivered. For a guy that dyes his hair every possible color I've had this weird obsession with Tyler's natural hair. I just envy him, because he can touch it all the time...

I drown my thoughts in a river of laughter. I get weird thoughts all the time. I'm used to them. Honestly, they seem more natural than collected thinking. But sometimes I get inappropriate thoughts that I have to drown: usually in form of drumming.

"But seriously, guys, have you ever met a  better guy than this goof over here?" Tyler's voice broke my thoughts. Mark and the crew made a sound of agreement, but I hardly noticed it as Tyler's arm moved around my neck, taking me completely by surprise. Any other time that wouldn't bother me at all. But just seconds ago I was fantasizing about stroking Tyler's hair and now the warmth of his still sweaty palm on my shoulder and sweet wine smell of his breath... Oh, my God, his mouth were just a few inches away, his dorky smile that only came out, when he was truly happy...

I gulped and raised my glass, trying everything to hide the blush on my face and the shakiness of my voice: ''I have, in fact. On this day in 2009 I met this guy that turned out to be the nicest person in the world and the best friend I could ever hope for. Seriously, Tyler, you gave me purpose. I'm just a drummer. Without you I would probably still be playing in some second rate band in a sweaty basement. As much as I love drums, I would be nothing without you."

God, I didn't mean for this to come out as emotional as it did. Everyone, including Tyler, his arm still draped over my shoulder, was staring at me. My heartbeat quickened. Have I crossed a line? We've often acted like we were together, sitting in each other's laps or holding hands, but that was just for fun. This was genuine emotional outburst, it couldn't be turned into a joke. I knew that was my anxiety speaking, but it was already making me angry for saying anything. All of a sudden all the stares seemed to judge me and I could hear Tyler laughing behind my back...

"Dude, stop stomping on yourself. You're the best drummer I've ever seen. And your my best friend," Tyler pulled me in for a tight hug. "Without you on that stage, seeing how you believe in me, I don't know how I'd be able to step in front of thousands of people every day."

Tyler's voice was careful, a kind of voice you used to get a scared puppy to trust you. He knew what was going on in my mind. Well, not all of it, hopefully, but the anxiety part.

I realised I still wasn't hugging Tyler back. I wraped my arms around him and his embrace loosened, as if only after being held back, he could relax and enjoy the moment. And this felt right. It didn't feel awkward because of the closeness or emotional because of the speeches, it felt like friendship, it felt like us, nothing more or less. And it was perfect.

Finally, we let go, only to see others staring at us. I sort of expected them to be angry, because we were acting like they're not part of our group, but they just looked at us expectantly. They seemed like parents, proud of their children for getting along.

"Ok, I'm gonna hit the hay," Tyler said while yawning. "Me too," I added and quickly downed what was left of my wine.

I got ready faster, it was always that way. Tyler always showered before bed, while I took the mornings. I had no idea when the others were showering, aparently during the day or not at all.

I was already lying in my bed, while Tyler was in the shower and half closed curtains suffocated the noise the rest of the crew was making.

Pictures from past couple of minutes began to resurface and this time I let them: Tyler gliding his hand through his hair, his smile three inches away, his words, hitting me right in the heart - "You're my best friend," as if I hadn't known that. I closed my eyes and recapped the mental conversation I've had with myself several times:

"You're not gay, Josh."

"Of course I'm not, I know that. Girls turn me on, guys don't."

"Exactly. Except for him."

"Who?"

"You know who... Tyler?"

"What about him? He's my best friend."

"That you want to have sex with."

"No, I don't."

"Well, at least you wonder what it would be like..."

"I know what it would be like. A terrible idea."

"True. Doesn't change the fact that you might be into him."

"So, you're saying I'm bi?"

"Maybe, but that's not the point. Right now your could lable yourself as Ty-sexual. What I'm saying is, what are you gonna do about it?"

"Nothing. He doesn't need to know."

"Well, he's gonna find out sooner or later."

"I know. But I don't wanna think about that so shut up."

"You can't silence me."

"Yes, I can. You're me."

"Fine. But one day you'll slip and Tyler will find out."

"Fine, just shut up already!"

I placed headphones in my ears and put on some music to help quiet the anxious voice inside of me. It helped, wine and music slowly lulling me to sleep.


	2. No Other Version Of Me I Would Rather Be Tonight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tyler has a song idea.  
> Just lots of platonic fluff in this one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BTW, I forgot to mention this takes place towards the end of Quiet Is Violent Tour. Except there's no Jenna (don't get me wrong, I love Jenna, but I don't think Tyler would cheat on his girlfriend and I'm not really into polyamory, so...).
> 
> Title from Jackie and Wilson by Hozier.

There was a reason I liked Trees more than other songs. Several reasons actually. I always said that the beat of that song renewed my energy and that was true. But it wasn't just the beat, a large part had to do with standing on a platform, drumming to the waves the fans were pulsing through the crowd, looking up every so often to see my best friend accross the sea of hands, equally sweaty, feeling the same pulse, drumming the same beat. At that point, we were a band, I wasn't just the drummer, I was Tyler's equal.

The other reason was the song itself - it had nothing to do with me. Tyler wrote it in his basement when he was seventeen, before the band ever existed. Most of the songs were Tyler's work, but he wrote them knowing he will perform them with me. This one wasn't meant to be performed in front of thousends of people, yet Tyler let me in, let the crowd in. It was obviously one of the most emotional songs for him and I could only imagine what sharing a part of your seventeen year old soul almost every day must feel like.

After we finished the concert and fan meetup, we got back into the bus. Normally, we would shower and then relax a bit, but sometimes Tyler seemed to be struck by inspiration and went straight back to the piano. Today, however, he brought out his uke. I could hear him plucking and humming while I was in the shower, no words though.

I didn't bother drying myself, I just draped a towel around my waist and left the shower.

"You wrote something?" I asked, taking a can of YooHoo from the fridge.

"Mhm," he answered absentmindedly. "C'mere."

He was sitting on the couch, his legs proped up to his chest with just enough space inbetween to be able to play the ukulele. I sauntered towards the living room area and threw myself down next to him, accidentally splashing him with water from my still wet hair.

"Dude, do you ever dry off?" Tyler groaned jokingly, wiping the water of his arm dramatically.

"Nope," I laughed. He always teased me about my bad habit of not drying off completely, but we both knew I wasn't going to change.

"Okay, here we go. It's just a work in progress," he said and started strumming.

" _I don't care what's in your hair,_

_I just wanna know what's on your mind._

_I used to say I wanna die before I'm old,_

_but because of you I might think twice._ "

It was a baeutiful melody and the lyrics were so simple, yet so meaningful, it felt like Tyler was singing just to me... Wait a second. I don't care what's in your hair?

I recalled a conversation from years ago. It was just the two of us, we were cruising down the highway on our way to a show. There was music on the radio and we were both enjoying it quietly.

And then I said it: "I wanna dye my hair again." Tyler didn't seem at all surprised.

"Yeah? What color?" he asked.

"Dunno. I was thinking red? Or pink?"

I was expecting him to laugh. Those were such girly colors.

He didn't laugh, he simply said: "Nice, it'll suite you."

I finaly looked over to him to see if he was being serious.

"You really think so?" I asked, surprised of his support.

"Of course. You'd look great with red hair. Or pink. Honestly, I don't care what's in your hair, you'd look great anyway. Wait, that rhymed. I should write it down."

I thought he was joking about writing it down, but apparently he wasn't.

Tyler was still staring, waiting for me to comment on his song.

"Is this... Is this song about me?" I asked quietly. I didn't know what kind of answer I was hoping for.

Tyler laughed, clearly surprised by my question. "No, why would you think that?"

Suddenly, I felt hurt. Didn't he remember?

"Nothing, I just thought, because, you know, the hair..." I mumbled and opened my Yoo-Hoo to mask my dissapointment. "It's a great song."

"Do you want me to write a song about you?" Tyler asked, watching me with a side grin.

I knew he was just teasing me, but couldn't help blushing. I shook my head: "No, it's fine," but I knew it was too late.

Tyler started strumming random chords and tilted his head back.

" _Josh, Jishwa, Joshy boy,_

_you're my main man,_

_I'm your biggest fan,_

_'cause you are so tan,_

_except you're not, 'cause I'm tanner,_

_but you make some sick backflips and you know it,_

_and I'm jealous, but I try not to show it._ "

I was laughing so hard I had to put my can of YooHoo back on the table, because I was shaking too much and it was spilling over.

"We should definately put that on our next album," I suggested jokingly.

"Yeah, we should. Let me write it down," Tyler agreed and actually started scribbeling in his notebook.

"Can I have some of that?" he asked then, pointing his head towards my YooHoo.

"Sure, man," I answered and passed the can to him so he wouldn't have to remove his legs from the couch. He seemed so small now, curled up on the seat, with his tiny guitar, his silly grin and a can of liquid chocolate. He was like a kid almost, the sight making me smile. I wanted to look as innocent and peaceful as he did sometimes, but I knew I couldn't achieve that.

"What you staring at?" Tyler asked, still smiling.

"Nothing, just making sure you don't drink too much of _my_ YooHoo," I answered, using the first thing that came to my mind as a save.

There was a spark in Tyler's eyes as he smiled mischievosly and downed the drink.

"Heeeey!" I yelled with fake anger in my voice and hit him lightly in the shoulder. He was laughing now, while I pretended to sulk, but I couldn't stop some giggles from escaping.

"I hate you," I said in a betrayed voice.

"You know you love me," Tyler wraped his arms around me and put his head on my shoulders in a mocking attempt to make me feel better and that cracked me up. We were both laughing then and when we finally stopped, Tyler's head was still on my shoulder.

"I'm sorry. You can get a new one," Tyler apologized, though he knew I wasn't actually angry about YooHoo.

"No, it's fine," I answered. The truth was, I just didn't want Tyler to move his head.


	3. I Can Be The Subject Of Your Dreams (Your Sickening Desire)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh's feelings are getting out of hand and things happen, that make him freak out.  
> (Slight smut if you squint your eyes, but not really. Nothing explicit, just thought I'd let you know.)
> 
> Title from Bite by Troye Sivan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is my second chapter today, because I have 8 AMs every day (fml) so I won't be able to update in the mornings (mornings for me anyways), so I'll be posting around this time from now on probably.

It was getting worse. Watching Tyler on stage almost every day was getting to me. I mean, I've been living on a bus with him for a while now, you'd think I'd get used to seeing him all the time, but there was something about him performing that made me feel all gooey inside. There were his twitchy dances, the way people synched their jumps to his and, most of all, the little glances we exchanged before he did one of his stunts, almost like he was checking if it's okay for him to do it. And there was the way he always introduced me, as if the Clique wouldn't know who I was, always making sure I got noticed, even in interviews, getting mad every time the interviewer gave him a microphone, but not me. I could see he cared about me and sometimes I got a vibe from him, from the way he looked at me or touched me, like he doesn't know what exactly I mean to him, like he's struggling to identify his feelings too.

Thoughts like this were running through my mind and I couldn't sleep. I ignored the feeling in the pit of my stomach that was enjoying the recap of Tyler's glances and pushed the thoughts away. Those are the things I must not think of, at least not in this way. Or maybe I should think of them so much they don't feel special anymore, a kind of self induced conversion therapy.

The water stopped then, Tyler was done showering. He came back into the bedroom area and I knew I shouldn't open my eyes, but I did anyway. He was standing there, bellow my bed, towel around his waist. He reached into his duffle bag, pulling out a pair of boxers. I kept telling myself to close my eyes, but I couldn't. He didn't know I was watching. He thought we were all asleep and there was no reason for him to doubt that.

He let go of the towel at once, revealing his bare ass and quickly pulled up his boxers. I didn't see much, nothing I haven't seen before, but it was enough to make me shift. In the quiet of the bus it sounded a lot louder than I thought it could. I could see Tyler's head start to turn towards me, but by the time he could catch my face my eyes were shut. I didn't know whether he suspected something or not, I just hoped he couldn't hear my heart pumping in my chest like crazy. I allowed myself to slowly open my eyes when I heard him lay down in his bed. My heart was graduately slowing down. I pushed all thoughts out of my mind and focused on the low hum of the bus driving through the night, hoping it might help me fall asleep.

 

Oh, fuck. I knew what had happened as soon as I woke up. I was lying on my back, one arm flung across the side of the bed and the other lying calmly on my crotch area. And it was wet. I shuffeled out of my bed trying not to stain my sheets and ran into the shower. Every one else was still asleep. I took off my boxers and turned the water on. It was soothing, so I just let it wash over me for a while, before I started stroking my crotch to make sure I get all the semen out.

And then it hit me. The feeling of touch on my genitals triggered some kind of a flashback: Tyler's head tilted back, pressing into the pillow as he thrusted his hips towards me, begging me to go deeper with his motions and his moans. "Oh, _Josh_!" I heard his groan echo inside my brain as I held my cock in my hands, water still running over me.

"Oh, God," I cried, not sure if out loud or not. "Oh, no."

I did not just have a sex dream about my best friend. That just couldn't happen. I was not into him. I wasn't even into boys. What did that mean?

Well, it meant one thing - I couldn't just ignore it anymore. Something was going on with me.

I sat down in the corner of the shower without bothering to turn off the water. I replayed Tyler's hip thrust and moan over and over again in my head. Those seemed to be the only things I remembered from the dream. I had a fucking sex dream about Tyler. In a way that didn't change anything. I already knew I had some confusing feelings about him, but somehow having my subconscious confirm that, made it all more official. It made it undeniable.

I slowly stood up and fetched my towel. This time I dried myself off. I've been sitting under the water for at least ten minutes, but I've never felt dirtier.

I left the shower in a towel and stuffed the semen stained boxers deep into my bag, taking out a pair of clean ones and putting them on. It was only then that I let go of the towel and threw it on my bed.

As I was climbing back up, I heard a voice behind me: "Well, you're up early." I almost fell off. I recognized Mark's voice. I imediately wondered whether he'd seen what had happened, but he seemed to have just woken up. He was still lying on his bed, peering at me with one eye open.

"Ummm, I just hit the shower, I'm going back to sleep now," I answered quietly, careful not to wake the others, especially not Tyler.

"Why did you shower at five in the morning?" Mark asked, not looking particularly interested in the answer.

"I just had a... An epiphany," I mumbled and started climbing up again.

"Mhm," is all Mark maneged to say, before he was fast asleep again. And weirdly enough I didn't have any trouble falling asleep myself.

 

Next morning was fine. I didn't remember what happened during the night at first, but then I saw Tyler. He apparently just woke up and was standing in his boxers in the middle of the bedroom hallway yawning and stretching.

"Morning," he greeted with a smile when he saw I was awake too. Something in my stomach twisted as memories from last night washed over me. I pushed them away.

"Hi," I tried to smile back.

"Slept well?" he asked, just watching me, with no visible intent to put on his clothes. I realised that he's always been like that in the mornings, but I'd just now noticed it.

"Mhm," I lied and climbed on my elbows. "You?"

"Ya. Had a really weird dream, though," he added and finally pulled his jeans on.

"Yeah? Me too," I replied before thinking it through. I started panicking for a moment, trying to think of a dream in case he asked me about it, but he didn't.

"Coming for breakfast?" he asked instead. It was then that I realised that there was only me and him on the bus and all of the sudden I just wanted to get out of there. I was afraid if I was left alone with him, my impulses might overtake me and I'd do something I'd regret.

"Others have already left to get breakfast. We've stopped at a gas station," Tyler explained when he saw my confusion at an empty bus.

"Oh, okay, just let me get ready," I mumbled and crawled clumsily out of bed. I hoped Tyler hadn't noticed I wore different boxers than yesterday. He watced me as I got dressed, which never bothered me much, but today I felt vulnerable. One last look in the mirror to adjust my hair and I was ready to go.

I left the bus to get breakfast with Tyler, already missing the ease that surrounded our friendship before my stupid thirsty subconscious ruined it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know having sex dreams about friends is supposedly normal, I was just trying to reflect the panic I felt when it happened to me. A lot of the begginig of this fic is actually inspired by that (just the beginning, we're just friends).


	4. Just Listen To Your Friends (They Only Care)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh finds the courage to confide to his friends.  
> Honestly, this is just a boring filler chapter.
> 
> Title from The Draw by Bastille.

"Dude, what's your deal?" Mark asked while pulling me by the sleeve away from the rest of the crew. I had no idea what he was so angry about.  
"What do you mean?" I asked him, utterly confused.  
"You've been acting like sort of a dick lately, you know?" he said accusingly. It hurt to hear him say that, but I still didn't know what he was talking about.  
"You thought we wouldn't notice you've been avoiding us, especially Tyler? I don't know what's going on, but you've been cold, man. Telling Tyler to 'go hug someone else'? He's not gonna tell you that, 'cause he's too good, but he's hurt," Mark explained. He seemed like a furious parent, angry at a child for hurting his sibling.  
I remembered it then, we went out for Chinese food and got those fortune cookies they give for free. I opened mine first. It said: "Your most memorable dream will come true."  
God, won't you let me forget. Before I could push the thoughts away, Tyler's blissful moan replayed in my head.  
"What'd you get?" Mike asked and I just uninterestedly flicked the paper on the table. Everybody seemed to be dissapointed by the quote, it was nothing special, really.  
Tyler opened his then and read it out loud: "Look around you, because you're surrounded by the best friends you'll ever have."  
Everyone awww-ed when Tyler pulled me in for a hug. And then I said it: "Why'd you hug me? Go hug someone else."  
I didn't know why I said that, but the image of my dream was still going through my mind and Tyler was hugging me and I was afraid I was gonna get hard so I just needed him to stop touching me until I regained control over my thoughts again. Tyler recoiled, but he said nothing. I felt bad then, but I've only realised how rude I've been when Mark pointed it out.  
"Oh," is all I could say in response to Mark's accusations. But then I relised I might as well have someone know what's going on and since I couldn't tell Tyler, Mark was the next in line. He was already turning towards the bus, where everyone else was, obviously annoyed by my response.  
"Wait!" I called after him. I didn't think it through, I had no idea how I was going to tell him or if I should even do that, but I knew he wouldn't tell Tyler if I asked him not to.  
"I've been acting strange, 'cause... 'cause I had a sex dream about Tyler," I blurted the last part out, I wasn't sure Mark actually understood me. He didn't respond right away and I halfway expected him to laugh at me.  
"You know that's normal right? It happens. People have sex dreams about their friends all the time," he said, completely serious. He felt this was a huge problem to me.  
"I know, but it's not just that. Like, I came hard that night and even when I'm awake, I get this strange urges when I look at him and when we touch and I just want things to go back to normal, before I have to pull away every time we hug, because I'm afraid I might get hard," I explained and by the end I was almost at the verge of tears.  
"Oh, Josh. I would hug you, but I doubt you're craving physical contact right now. I know it might seem like a bad idea, but I think you shoul tell him. He'll understand and though it might change your friendship it would be a lot easier for you if he knew," Mark tried to comfort me.  
I swallowed back the tears. I was a grown man, I wasn't going to cry.  
"Yeah, I'll tell him when I feel comfortable, just don't say anything until then, okay?" I asked. He slowly nodded.  
"Sure, man. It's okay with me, though. If you're in love with him, you know. 'Cause he might feel the same. Not that I'm raising your hopes up, but honestly, you don't seem like the straightest bunch," he added. I smiled a little, partly from his word choice, partly from relief. I was so glad Mark understood.  
When he saw my smile, he decided to try to cheer me up: "Just so you know, if you ever need to talk to me about it, just say: 'Let me tell you about my dream.' and..." He looked at me like he just realized something. "Wait, that night you took a shower at 5 a.m.?"  
I laughed then. I couldn't believe he remembered.  
"Yeah, that's the night," I answered and looked to the ground. I could feel my cheeks start to burn. No matter how old you get, wet dreams are still a somewhat awkward and emberassing topic to talk about.  
"Dude, I use that shower!" he shouted with a disgusted voice, but his smile broke out at the end.  
"Don't act like you've never jerked off in there," I mocked him.  
"True," he agreed, not at all emberessed. After our laughter died down, I felt so much better than I did before I told him.  
"I'm going in now, I'll find a way to explain why we've been out here so long. Come in when you feel like it," Mark said and punched me in the shoulder lightly.  
"Thank you," I replied and I meant it. It felt good to have someone know the truth.  
"No problem, man, you would've done the same for me," he reasured me and started towards the bus. I followed shortly after.

I tried to stop avoiding Tyler then. I apologized for what I'd said and of course he said it's no big deal, that he shouldn't have evaded my personal space, but that only made my heart ache more, because I realized I didn't just like him physically, there was his whole personality, how he was the nicest person I've ever met, but he thought of himself as an insufferable sinner, beating himself up for those few flaws he possessed as if they were the biggest vices of this world and that just made me want to hug him and hold him tight and make his dark thoughts go away. I didn't want to admit this, but I was falling in love with the guy and I didn't even try to fight it. It helped that sometimes when I was looking at Tyler longingly, I caught a glance of Mark smiling at me. He was probably shipping us.  
And every day, instead of telling myself not to let Tyler know, I told myself: "Today is the day. Today is the day I tell him." I never did, though. It never seemed the right time. There were always other people around or I always found some other excuse.  
"Hey, Mark. I need to talk to you about my dream," I said to him one day. He was helping prepare the venue for our show tonight, carrying a box of something to the stage.  
"Oh, ooooh, sure, wait for me outside," he said and continued on his way. I turned around to wait on him outside.  
He came back out a few moments later and we walked to the side.  
"I'm gonna tell him," I announced, trying to sound more confident than I felt.  
"Good for you. Hope it goes well," he congratulated, as if I just told him I was getting married or something.  
"Thanks. But I need you to make sure we're alone. I want to work this out in private," I explained. I really didn't want people around, especially with my anxiety. I'll be nervous as it is.  
"Of course. No problem, I'll think of something and text you the details," he agreed and smiled at me encouragingly.  
"Thank you," I replied and we both left to continue with the preparations.  
This was it. Tonight was the day I lay my heart out for Tyler.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mark is such a good friend. We all need a Mark in our lives.


	5. I'm Coming Clean (God, Hit Me Straight On)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh admits his feelings to Tyler.  
> A lot of angst in this one. Warning if you're easily triggered by anxiety attacks, self-harm or suicidal thoughts. There's nothing explicit, just a warning.
> 
> Title from Lovely by twenty one pilots.

The show was great, but I wasn't paying attention. I kept phasing out, my mind wandering to my plan for later. What was I gonna say? What was he gonna say?

When I got back to the dressing room, I found Mark's text: "Everything is rady for m&g, the guys and I will go to TB. I told them we're planning for Tyler's bday party and you'll distract him. Good luck. P.S. I'll text you when we leave for the bus if you need to get decent ;)"

I knew that last part was a joke intended to loosen me up a bit, but it did just the opposite. It made me think of all the things that were way more likely to happen than me ending up in Tyler's bed. What if Tyler thinks I'm a freak for feeling that way about my best friend? What if he starts to hate me? I didn't want to ruin our friendship. I'd rather keep living in denial of my feelings for the rest of my life than live a life where Tyler and I aren't friends.

Anxiety was taking over me and I wanted to back out. Tyler didn't need to know. If he felt the same way I did, he would've told me. I was backing out. I was backing out.

My heart was racing, my mind was shouting, but I was used enough to that not to show it on the outside. To Tyler it just looked like I was checking my phone.

I read Mark's text again and sighed. I wasn't going to back out. Tonight was my chance and I couldn't blow it.

I put away my phone and tried to find something to grasp, something to keep my mind occupied. I always needed to fixate on something, on a calming, unchanging thought, to keep my anxiety at bay. The problem was, that thought used to be Tyler, our friendship used to be that calming, unchanging thing that got me through so many anxiety attacks and now, now that was the reason I was having one.

I fixated on my family instead. I missed them, but that pain just made it easier to concentrate. I had no recollection of the meet and greet, there was just a fusion of thoughts in my mind, my sisters blurring toghether with Tyler as my thoughts kept running away from my fixation and to my problems.

We stepped back onto the bus then, it was empty. I was sort of hoping somebody would be in there, because that would mean I wouldn't have to go through with it. I pushed the thoughts of my family away - now was the time to concentrate on my problems.

"Where is everybody?" Tyler asked. He has barely said a word to me since the show ended, he's probably taken notice of my anxiety and he knew I just wanted to be left alone.

I saw no reason to lie to him about it: "They're at Taco Bell. I asked them to give us some privacy. Tyler, I need to talk to you about something."

I tried hard to keep my voice steady and to sound as if I hadn't just practiced telling him that in case he'd ask.

"Okay," Tyler said and said down on the couch. "What do you want to talk about?" His voice sounded serious and focused, like he really wanted to listen to what I had to say.

I sat down next to him. I gulped, but my mouth was so dry I just swallowed air, which made it sound more like a sob. A more appropriate sound, to be honest. I kept facing the ground, I couldn't look at Tyler's expression. If he was going to start hating me for this, I didn't want to see that moment.

"Ummmm... Don't take this the wrong way and please, let me finish. Last couple of weeks, I've been feeling these... I mean, you know you're my best friend and I don't want that to change, but sometimes, when we hug or look at each other or whatever, I feel like I want to get closer to you, physically. And I don't want this to effect our friendship in any way, I just thought you should know..."

I stopped to take a breath and when Tyler said nothing, I continued: "I don't know why I thought you should know. I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have told you, I'm so sorry..."

I imagined him hugging me or slapping me, but he didn't do either and that somehow hurt more. When I finally glanced up to him, he had his hands over his face.

"Josh, don't do this," he said, his voice sad. Not crying sad, just sad. I looked at the floor again.

My heart tore in half. Not because Tyler didn't return the feelings, but because I've ruined it. I've ruined our friendship. I've ruined the thing that meant most to me. My mind kept hurting me, it was like a beating inside my head and I knew it wasn't enough, I needed to hurt myself, because I've done something wrong and I needed to be punished, because maybe that way I'll learn not to ruin my friendships. I'll learn to keep my mouth shut and suffer in silence.

"I'm sorry. I didn't want any of this. I'm sorry, I'm so so so sorry," I sobbed. Tears were streaming down my face now and I didn't do anything to wipe them off.

"You should be," I heard then. It took me a while to realize it was Tyler's response to my apologies. I thought hearing that would make things worse, but it didn't. Because he was right. I should be sorry and I was sorry. But I wasn't sorry about how I felt, I was sorry about telling him. My anxiety started slowly turning into anger.

I did nothing though. I let tears fall on the floor and sobs shake my body and when I heard him stand up and leave the bus, I was actually relieved.

I left for the shower. Not because of the shower itself, but it was the only place appart from the toilet that had a lock on this bus. I locked the door and turned on the water without even taking my clothes off. Water mixed with my tears and the noise drowned my sobs and soon the weight of my soaking wet clothes was too much for me to bear. I collapsed on the wet floor and let the water melt me so I could disappear down the drain. It wasn't a comfortable position. Water was bouncing from the floor and splashing me in the face, some of it kept getting in my mouth and it felt like I could drown and I wanted to...

I knew I couldn't, though. My days of suicidal thoughts and self-harm were over. Now, I was the one advocating for life with our music. Except I might have just put 'our' on the line. Every time that thought came back, my mind kept screaming. It was insulting me, telling me to destroy myself, since I was so good at destroying my life. And I obeyed. There was no willing action involved, I just let my mind control me, I knew that was the easiest way to destroy yourself.

Pain seared through my head, finally cutting through my shouting mind. It gave me enough energy to roll away from the water and put my hands to my forehead. It hurt. I must've banged my head on the wall. I didn't even remember doing that, but it's happened before.

The pain was enough to bring me back, though. I reached up to the faucet to turn the water off. It wasn't soothing anymore, it just felt cold. Then I heard it. Someone was banging on the door.

"Josh! Josh, open up!" Tyler's voice came from the other side. He sounded concerned. Of course he was. If the positions were reversed, I would be worried too. But I was still angry at him for reacting the way he did. I understood why he did that, but it hurt. It hurt, because he thought I couldn't control myself. He could've just told me he didn't feel the same way and I would be fine with that. Instead he blamed me for my feelings, something I had no control over. This was so unlike Tyler, but it didn't change the fact it happened. Right now, I didn't really want to see him and I didn't want him to see me like this.

"Josh, I'm sorry! Let me explain!" Tyler was still calling from the other side of the door. I said nothing, though. He'll have a chance to explain later. Right now I was exhausted and my head was throbbing with pain. I just wanted to sleep.

"Josh," I heard again, this time quietly, his voice laced with tears. And then I drifted off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry.


	6. I Want It All And You Hide Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tyler and Josh deal with the aftermath of Josh's confession
> 
> Title from In The Summer by Finish Ticket.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This update is a bit early and I'm really nervous cause a lot of people commented on the previous chapter (not that I don't want that, I really love your comments) and I hope it meets your expectations.  
> In case you didn't know, a song that is mentioned here, Two, is as unreleased twenty one pilots song that was supposed to be on Regional At Best and is just SO FRICKING GOOD. If you haven't heard it yet, I recommend giving it a listen (it's on youtube).

I was woken by muffled sounds of the piano. It took me a while to recognize the melody, I haven't heard it for a long time. It was Two.

I was still lying on the shower floor. My whole body was aching and I was completely cold. My clothes were mostly dry now, except for a few spots that were pressed to the floor while I slept. I didn't think I could move, but the eerie sounds of the song made me stand up, it was almost calling for me.

By the time I got to the door, Tyler started singing.

_"I'm two._ "

I stopped at the door, gently leaning my head against it. Pain shot through my head and I remembered everything that went down last night.

" _Be gone, you see rain._ "

The pain in Tyler's voice brought back memories. Nick has just left the band and as much as Tyler understood him, he couldn't help but to feel betrayed. All of a sudden we were a two-man band, just drums, a piano and a singer. Not that it's impossible to succeed as a duo, but we both knew it wasn't going to be easy. We were gonna have to work harder than ever.

On our first band practice as just the two of us Tyler went  into full panic mode.

"It's gonna be fine, you know, think of The White Stripes, they were only two. And The Black Keys. Like, it's possible. It only makes us stand out more, you know," he was pacing back and forth, trying to convince himself more than me.

"I know, Tyler, it's gonna be alright. We'll work around with some effects, try to compensate for the lack of people, we'll work together," I tried to comfort him, still sitting behind my drums.

"Yeah, I'll sing and play the piano and uke and maybe I'll learn some more instruments if we need. And you'll play the drums, do some backing vocals, maybe we'll bring out the trumpet one day and we'll work on the rest together," he started, smile spreading on his face, it was the first time I'd seen hope on his face, since Nick left. And I was about to take it away.

"Tyler, I can't sing," I said, quietly, as if that would somehow lessen the disappointment.

"Of course you can. You sing fine," Tyler replied, clearly not getting what I was trying to say.

"No, Tyler, I mean, I don't wanna sing. There's a reason I play the drums and it's because I feel safe behind them. With my anxiety I don't think I could do it," I explained, trying not to look away from Tyler. I didn't want to see his disappointment.

But there it was. He tried to hide it, but it was there, clearly plastered over his face.

"Oh," he whimpered. "It's okay. You don't have to sing. We'll manage."

I hated myself for refusing to sing. I was afraid Tyler might think I was slacking off, not doing everything I could to make this band work, because I knew he was willing to do everything, absolutely everything for it. And there I was, refusing to do something as simple as sing backup.

"No, I can do some for the track, but I really don't think singing live is a good idea," I tried to atone.

Tyler smiled at me: "We're two, it's just you and me, so everything that happens to us, happens to the band. Communication is the key. If anything bothers you, you have to tell me and I swear I'll do the same."

It felt like that was what Tyler was trying to tell me by playing the song now. I unlocked the shower door slowly and peered through. I thought I was quiet enough, but apparently, Tyler heard.

"Josh," he called, stepping away from his piano and walking towards me. He didn't come close, though, he was probably afraid I was gonna lock myself in again.

"Josh, are you okey?" he asked carefully.

I nodded. I was afraid to use my voice, afraid I'd freak out again if I did.

"I'm so sorry, Josh, I acted like a complete idiot and such a dick." he apologized.

I looked at him at the last word. It wasn't often that you heard Tyler use bad words.

"Yeah, you did," I replied. Normally I would've said that it's okay, but I had this idea of honesty now.

"I know and I'm so sorry and can you just get out of the shower, please," he asked and I relized I was still in the shower, peering at Tyler through slightly open door. I opened the door more, but I stayed inside. Tyler didn't push further.

"The thing is, I've felt that too, I started... wanting you... years ago. But our friendship meant so much to me, I couldn't risk it. I surpressed everything, it was hell for me, but I finally got it under control. I got over you and then yesterday... you threatened to push me back to square one and in some twisted way I needed to hurt you and make you hate me, because then you wouldn't want me anymore and my feelings wouldn't come back," Tyler explained. His eyes were glassy, like he was holding back tears.

It made sense and it made me feel bad. He'd gone through the same thing I've have, except he held strong and put our friendship first and I was the one who couldn't bear it.

What bothered me, was that he didn't want his feelings to come back.

"What now?" I asked, still hoping he might change his mind.

"Nothing," he answered. "I just wanted you to know why I acted the way I did. It doesn't change the fact that you're my best friend and I'll always love you as a friend, but if you want more, I'm sorry, I just really don't want to complicate this. But from now on, if you get one of your... urges, you can just talk to me, you don't need to avoid me, I've been through the same."

I sighed. That wasn't what I wanted, but maybe it was what I needed. And really, it was better than hiding my feelings forever.

"Yeah, that's a good idea," I agreed. "And I forgive you. I overreacted."

"No, you didn't. I was the one who stumped on your feelings. And just so you know, I cried myself to sleep too. Knowing that I hurt you..." Tyler started, a single tear trailing a wet path down his cheek. I couldn't look at him. If Tyler started crying, I started crying too. I needed to break the tension, so I leaned in for a hug, clearly taking Tyler by surprise.

"So, you really thought about me in that way?" I asked once he's hugged me back. I immediately regretted asking, but I needed to turn our thoughts away from yesterday.

"You mean like sex?" he asked. I could feel a blush spread on my cheeks. Luckily he couldn't see it, though he was probably blushing too.

"Yeah," I laughed quietly.

"I guess," he responded and let go of me. His face was flushed red, but he was smiling.

"You've ever... you know... touched yourself while thinking of me?" I asked then. I wasn't sure why we were playing twenty questions, but I genuinely wanted to know this. Knowing he once felt the same way made it less embarassing for me.

Tyler covered his face with his hands: "Once. And it was so awkward. I mean, I was turned on and everything, but it just felt weird."

I laughed. He looked so innocent, hiding his face in embarassment and honestly, picturing him jerking off to me was kind of hot.

"You?" he asked, clearly trying to shift the attention off of him. He removed his hands from his face and he looked even redder than before.

I shook my head: "No, but I did have a wet dream about us."

"Yeah? And what were we doing in your dream?" he asked, his words distorted by his little giggles.

It was my turn to blush: "I don't know. I don't remember much. You were moaning, I guess, and I... uhmmm... I had my dick in your ass."

Tyler burst into full-fledged laughter then.

"So you think you're a top then?" he asked. I didn't even blush anymore. My mind was in a sort of no-filter, it's-ok-to-be-dirty mode and I just felt closer to Tyler.

"I don't know. I've never been with a guy," I explained. I've never given it much thought. I guess top just came naturally to me, since it was the 'normal' position for a guy in a heterosexual relationship.

"Me neither," said Tyler. I was sort of glad. At least that meant neither of us had experience and we could naturally discover who's the top and who's...

Shut up, Josh! I yelled at myself. You won't have sex with Tyler. It doesn't matter which position you are.

I needed to distract myself. Stop talking about sex, especially with the person I wanted to have it with.

"So, anyway, where's the guys?" I asked, only now noticing we've been alone this whole time.

Tyler seemed lost in his thoughts and it took him a few seconds to snap out and answer me: "I texted Mark yesterday. I told him to get the guys a hotel room and that I'll text him when the coast is clear to come back."

I finally checked my phone then, I had a missed call from Mark and three texts:

"Ok Josh we're coming back. How'd it go?"

"Nevermind, I got Tyler's text. Is this a good sign or a bad sign?"

"Answer me Josh! What's going on? Are you ok?"

I smiled. He cared so much about us.

"I'm fine. It didn't go well, but it's fine now. You can come back btw."

And it truly was fine.

"I texted him," I informed Tyler.

"Well then, we've got just enough time to make this work," Tyler teased, unbuckeling his belt and biting his lip. I tensed. I knew he was just teasing, he didn't actually mean it, but it made my heart race just the same. I could feel my jeans getting tighter and prayed Tyler wouldn't notice it.

"Relax, I'm just messing with you," he laughed and buckled his belt again.

"Shut up," I replied in mock anger.

"Sure, Jishwa," he said and looked me over. His gaze lingered on the tent of my pants and he grinned. Something about him using my nickname and his expression turned me on even more.

"Stop staring," I said, my voice trembling slightly.

"Sure, Jishwa," Tyler repeated and walked towards the sleeping area, quietly laughing to himself.

Well, it's not going to be easy getting over Tyler if he was gonna be such a tease, I thought as I tried to force my erection down.


	7. All Unknowing And Candid

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A hotel night is coming up, which means Tyler and Josh must share a bed.
> 
> Title from The Age Of The Understatement by The Last Shadow Puppets.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know, I don't really like this chapter, but I'm too lazy to rewrite it.

It's definately become easier now, that Tyler and I knew about each other's feelings.

We explained everything to the crew once they returned and everybody was extremely supportive. Mark imposed a knocking rule then, though, in case Tyler and I succumbed to our urges. I expected Tyler to ensure him that would never happen, but instead he agreed: "Good idea," and winked at me.

I didn't understand why Tyler kept teasing me. He wanted me to get over him, didn't he?

It's been a few days since then. We've barely talked about it and I liked it that way. But now we had to and Tyler didn't seem to have any intention to bring up the conversation.

"We're staying in a hotel tomorrow night," I reminded him casually.

"I know. It's about time. I miss a real bed," he commented. We were playing Mario Kart to pass the time. Tyler was sitting on the floor, focusing hard on the game. He was winning, I was too busy staring at him and battling my thoughts to concentrate.

"Yeah, but we've got three rooms for six people, which means we're sleeping two in one bed. We've always slept together, but if you feel uncomfortable we can change with the guys or get another room," I proposed. Tyler paused the game while I was still speaking, but he let me finish.

He looked at me with a sort of a tired look: "Nothing's changed, Josh. Just because I know how you feel and you know how I felt, doesn't mean we can't sleep in the same bed. Unless _you're_ uncomfortable with it."

He seemed almost disappointed at me to have brought it up.

"No, it's fine with me, I just thought you might be uncomfortable now, knowing about me..." I started, suddenly sorry I said anything.

"No, it's fine with me," Tyler smiled and unpaused the game, gaining even bigger lead, because I wasn't ready yet. It didn't take us long to get lost in the game again.

 

The night came. Normally, us sleeping in the same bed wouldn't bother me, but tonight it was just awkward.

I was lying in my bed, checking my phone when Tyler lied down next to me. We were both sleeping in our boxers. It was still hot outside and we weren't going to sacrifice our habits because of our stupid crush.

"Night, Josh," he murmured, turning the bedside lamp off.

"Night," I replied and put my phone down.

I heard Tyler shuffling next to me, his face was turned away from mine. I shifted into the position I normally slept in as well, turning my face towards him. It took me a while to fall asleep, I just kept staring at the back of his head, as he slowly dosed off.

I woke up with a hand on my stomach. And it wasn't my hand. I was lying on my back and Tyler was lying next to me, his arm draped over my body and his face just a few inches away from me, eyes closed and mouth slightly drooling on the pillow. My pillow, to be exact.

It was still dark outside, so it must've been early morning. Tyler was obviously still asleep and he was beautiful. He looked so peaceful, I just wanted to engulf him in a bubble and protect him from the world. The sight didn't turn me on, though. It just made me fall deeper in love with him. God, he looked so gorgeus.

It was really a sight I wanted to remember. And then I thought of something. Tyler was always taking pictures of me when I slept. Candids, he called them. And I barely ever did the same, mostly because I felt asleep before he did. But maybe... maybe he took those pictures, because he thought the same about me as I was thinking about him right now. The thought made me smile.

I reached for my phone automatically, trying not to wake Tyler up. I opened the camera quickly and snapped a picture. Except I didn't realise I had the flash on. Blinding white light blinked right into Tyler's face and he woke up with a grunt.

It took him surprisingly little time to realize what happened.

"Did you just take a picture of me?" he asked, confused from sleep, but grinning nonetheless.

"Maybe?" I answered, laughing a bit with relief that he wasn't angry with me.

Tyler laughed and lunched at me, trying to get to my phone. I impulsively held the phone farther of the bed. Tyler was practically on top of me now and he was letting out inappropriate groans as he streched his body to reach for the phone.

I wasn't even hard, but then Tyler's hips grazed on mine and the friction sent a pulse of pleasure through my body. A moan escaped my mouth and the arm I was holding my phone in shot back towards my chest making it easy for Tyler to grab my phone.

But he didn't do that. He fell back on the bed, my body instantly missing his touch.

"God, you're weak," he huffed and giggled. I realized he's planned the whole thing, trying to tease me with his groans, skin-on-skin contact and griding.

"Why do you keep doing that?" I asked, my voice angrier than I intended.

"What?" he turned his head towards me, his eyes full of innocence and naughtiness at the same time.

"How do you expect me to get over you if you keep teasing me like that?" I rephrased the question. Tyler's expression suddenly fell serious.

"I'm sorry. But it's hard for me to control myself too. Ever since you've told me, everything in my body has been telling me to do something, that the guy I thought about for so long feels the same. It takes every ounce of my will to control myself and I guess somehow..." he started, eyes fixed on the ceiling.

He gulped before continuing: "Teasing you, I get off on it. I expel a part of my wanting by making sure you still want me too."

Tyler seemed extremely embarassed telling me that and still hadn't looked at me, while waiting for me to answer.

"Hey, it's okay, it's not that weird," I tried to comfort Tyler, patting him gently on the shoulder. Honestly, it didn't bother me at all.

Tyler covered his eyes with his hands and, much to my surprise, rolled into my embrace.

"Yes, yes it is. I shouldn't want to tease my best friend to fuel my sexual drive. It's not normal. And I shouldn't do it anyway. Because one day I won't stop. One day I'll want to fuck you in the ass and you'll let me, because you're in love with me and I don't let you get over me, because of all the teasing."

Tyler's dirty words made my stomach crunch and my dick twitch, but I bit down on my lip to stop myself from getting hard. A boner was the last thing I needed right now. Tyler was completely serious, his hands still on his face, his body in my arms and he seemed to be on a verge of crying.

"Honestly, I wouldn't mind that, but I understand. Having a relationship grow between us wouldn't be good for our career. I mean, really, relationships are hard work. Friendships come naturally. The only thing inbetween is fuck friends," I started. I had no idea where my speech was going, but Tyler seemed to be stilling in my arms, until the last part when he finally took his hand off his face.

He looked up at me, his expression curious: "You mean friends with benefits?"

My mind started racing. Why was he asking me that?

"It's the same thing, Tyler," I answered, probably sounding confused.

"Yeah, I know, friends with benefits just sounds nicer," he explained and closed his eyes.

He fell asleep again, his arm flung across my body, his forehead pressed against my shoulder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THE FORSHADOWING


	8. It's Not Like I'm Falling In Love, I Just Want You To Do Me No Good (And You Look Like You Could)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How the 'Josh Dun!' in 'The Judge' came to be. And a new milestone in Josh and Tyler's relationship.
> 
> Title from No. 1 Party Anthem by Arctic Monkeys.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here you go. Hope you like it.

Time flew by and the tour was done. It was sick as frick, the crowd was crazy and I had the time of my life. It was time to start recording our new album now and I was very exited. Tyler and I have been working on all the songs, matching his powerful lyrics with my passionate beats.  
It was our first day in the studio and we were just getting familiar with the equipement while we waited for the producer. Tyler passed his time pressing random buttons on the soundboard. It was sort of stupid really. Different sounds filled the room: birds chripping, engine starting, child laughing, woman moaning...  
I giggled.  
"Do they use this to film pornos or something?" I joked.  
"Then we must be in the right place," Tyler replied.  
I shot him an annoyed look and he apologized, but I doubted he was sorry. I gave up trying not to think about Tyler in a non-romantic, non-sexual way. I got used to his teasing and I got used to my fantasies about him, I just didn't act upon any of that and I thought he must've been in the same position.  
The producer entered the studio then, he looked like he was a teenage rebel once, but was now all clean-cut and formal.  
"Hey, guys," he greeted us with a smile and held out his hand. "Mike."  
"Hi, I'm Tyler, this is Josh," Tyler introduced us, pointing a finger at me at the last part. I nodded and shook Mike's hand after Tyler let go of it. Mike seemed surprised, apparently he wasn't used to shaking drumer's hands. Other bands didn't work like that.  
"Ummm, we've got The Judge, right?" Mike asked. Tyler nodded. We decided we'll be working with different producers for this album and we hired Mike just for this one song.  
"Jeremy will be here shortly, how do you wanna start?" Mike asked.

I've done my drums and Tyler was in the booth now, violently strumming his ukulele. Mike was nodding approvingly behind the soundboard, not paying any attention to me. So I decided to take a chance and get Tyler back for all the teasing.  
I unbuckeled my belt, adjusted my baseball cap, so that a strand of pink hair was peeking out under it and unbottoned my shirt halfway down before walkng up to the glass door of the booth. Tyler didn't see me at first, but once he did, his eyes widened. He kept his hands steady, though, still playing his uke.  
I decided to put on a show. Mike didn't seem to have noticed me, so it was fine. Without breaking eye conntact with Tyler I licked my lips and pulled the hem of my shirt out of my jeans. Tyler's face reddened, his mouth opening slightly, but he kept on playing. Mike was staring at Tyler now, he looked a bit concerned, but he still hasn't realised what was making Tyler blush that way.  
I had to take it one step further, had to make him weaver. I unbuttoned my pants and pulled down the zipper slowly, then I bit my bottom lip and started to glide my hand into my pants. Tyler's eyes widened even more and I heard the muffled sound of my name come from the booth: "Josh Dun!"  
I burst out laughing, Mike turned around and looked at me, more confused than angry, but Tyler just kept on playing. Man, he was really good at his uke.  
I stepped away, still laughing to myself and fixed myself up.  
Tyler's session ended just about the time Jeremy, our backup singer, came by and we were all rushed into the booth as Jeremy was in a hurry. Tyler kept shooting angry glances at me and I just faked my innocence.  
"Now I'll have to record the whole session again because of you," he whispered violently between two takes.  
"Because of me? You were the one yelling my name," I defended myself, mainly to agitate him more.  
"Well, you were the one..." he started, but just ended up huffing in frustration, since he probably didn't want Jeremy to find out what happened.  
"Okey, guys let's do the vocals now and than we'll go to mixing," Mike suggested when we were done with backing vocals and Jeremy left.  
Tyler looked at him with a slightly emberessed expression.  
"What about the, you know, 'Josh Dun'?" he asked, yelling my name accompanied by a strange gesture.  
Mike laughed at that, he didn't seem angry at all, more intrigied by our chemistry.  
"It's fine, you can bearly hear it over the rest of the audio. The vocal microphone was turned off. If you want to, we can record again, but it's not a big deal, just a cool story to tell," he assured us and Tyler smiled.  
"Okey, then, I'm gonna do some vocal exercises and we can continue," he agreed.

"How'd it go?" Mark asked when we came back to our rented apartment from the recording studio. The rest of the crew went home for the holidays, but Mark stayed with us in L.A. going to meetings and helping arrange our recording sessions. He was lying on the couch that also served as his bed, while Tyler and I took the bedroom with two seperate beds.  
"Great," Tyler answered. "I almost had to do the whole thing again bacause of Josh, though."  
He left for the bedroom and I shouted behind him: "It's not my fault you can't keep your moans to himself!"  
Mark just looked at me in confusion, so I explained what happened. I knew Tyler won't be angry I told Mark, otherwise he wouldn't have brought it up.  
Tyler still hasn't come out of our room. I went inside and he was sitting on his bed, he seemed completely lost in thought. I sat down beside him, but I said nothing. It was a good kind of silence.  
"I've been thinking about it," he started suddenly, breaking the silence.  
I looked at him, showing him I'm listening and he may continue.  
"We're best friends and we're a band and I personally can't see a future where those two things aren't true. And we're probably going to live more or less together and we're obviously attracted to each other, so it makes sense that we would..."  
Tyler hasn't looked at me at all during his speech and I could hear he practiced it in his head and battled everything inside of him, telling him not to say it out loud. But I was glad he did.  
"You're saying we should be..." I started my question, unable to roll the last word of my tounge.  _Boyfriends_.  
"Friends with benefits," Tyler finished, taking me by surprise.  
"Uhmmm, yeah that would be great," I agreed, though my mind was screaming the opposite. It would most definately not be great. I didn't know why I agreed. And apparently Tyler hadn't expected me to, either.  
"Really? Are you sure? I mean, I know I'm the one who said nothing should ever happen between us, but I don't think anything would change, you know, it's just physical," he started defending himself. I thought about it. He was proposing sex without any strings attach and though I wanted to attach all my strings to him, it wasn't meaningless sex, was it? We were still friends and though our relationship might be platonic, it was still filled with love and care. So I nodded.  
"Yes, I'm sure. What does that mean, though?" I asked. I knew DTRing before the relationship even started was awkward, but this was far from a normal relationship.  
"It means we can touch each other and have sex and we don't hide our attraction in front of each other. We don't go public, though," Tyler explained, looking at the ground. He looked so emberessed and unsure, his hands fidgeting with the hem of his shirt. I took his hands in mine, which made him look up at me. He looked so petrified, like he was going to fall into a panic attack any second now.  
"And we can always back out, okay? If any one of us feels weird or uncomfortable, we can just say it and we're done," I proposed. I could feel Tyler relax a bit.  
"And we stay friends. No matter what happens, we don't let this come between us," he added. I nodded frantically and took him in for a hug.  
"Don't worry, nothing will ever come between us," I tried to comfort Tyler. We fell back on the bed, still entagled in a hug, contemplating our new agreement, but Tyler's hand roaming through my hair felt more like one of a boyfriend than one of a fuck friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear the sin is coming SOON.


	9. I Want You To Touch Me There (Make Me Feel Like I Am Breathing)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh and Tyler put their agreement into action. (Basically, they finally do it.)  
> There is smut in this chapter (blowjobs/handjobs), not really BDSM, some mature language. Do I really have to warn you about this? It seems like this is all you're here for. (I don't judge you.)
> 
> Title from A little Death by The Neighbourhood.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, here you go, my fellow sinners. Indulge in some well-deserved smut.  
> It's the first smut I've published so I'm not sure it's any good.

A few days went by and nothing's changed, except now I couldn't think about anything apart from Tyler and our deal. We haven't told anyone about our agreement, not even Mark. Tonight was the first time Mark had to be somewhere and we didn't and we both silently planned to put the benefit in our friendship. I hated that, though, that everything was planned. It felt sorta forced and I only hoped we'll soon be so engulfed in physical pleasure that we'll get rid of that feeling.  
As soon as Mark left, Tyler took my hand and led me to the bedroom. He locked the door in case Mark came back early and looked at me, his eyes a mixture of fear and lust. It made my stomach twist.  
"Remember, you can always back out," he reminded me and brought his lips down to mine. They were so fricking soft. I kept running my tongue over them gently, the way I used to rub my labret when I got bored, until he let me inside to explore. I haven't been kissed like that in a long time.  
We moved backwards to his bed, our lips never breaking contact, except for short breaths. When my legs hit the bedframe, I fell down on the bed sideways, dragging Tyler with me. He enclosed my waist with his legs, making it hard for me to move.  
We paused for a few seconds, taking in the view. Tyler was looking down at me with a grin across his face, fear no longer present in his eyes, now substituted by affection. Or it might've been my affection for him reflecting in his glazed over eyes.  
Tyler started kissing my neck then, his short hair poking at my chin. He was careful not to bruise me, our relationship wasn't public yet. I never expected to let anyone take control so quickly. I was used to being the top, but right now I just wanted to lay back and let Tyler explore my body.  
Not wanting to be completely inactive I grabbed at his hips and dragged them across my crotch area. Tyler groaned into my collarbone and guided his hands under my shirt, his touch fiery and trembling. I shivered when one of his hands slid over my nipple.  
I tugged at the hem of his shirt and he helped me take it of, revealing his body in all it's glory, his four square tattoos in sharp contrast with his skin. I ran my hands over his chest, feeling his heartbeat quicken under my touch. He smiled at me as I stared at him in awe.  
"You're looking at me like you've never seen me shirtless," he laughed.  
"I was never allowed to touch. Or just to look at you this way," I explained. He matched his movements to mine, his hands still under my shirt, that was now pulled almost to my neck. I craned up, so Tyler could take it off.  
Tyler smiled at me before lowering to put feather-light kisses over my body. They were barely touches, his lips gliding over my chest and my stomach, getting deeper with every kiss. I was already completely helpless, my mouth ajar, my breath quick and hitching. I entangled my hands into Tyler's hair. It was too short for me to get a hold, but it felt soft and fluffy under my fingers.  
I let my hands run down Tyler's back as he moved back up, so we were face to face again. Then I brought them around his waist to the front of his pants and started fiddling with the button. When Tyler saw I was struggling, he gently pushed my hands away and unbuttoned his pants himself, letting me get back for the zipper.  
He had to lift himself off of me to get his pants off and the lack of pressure made me whimper with frustration. Tyler laughed at me and I couldn't help but laugh as well. It was all worth it, though, when he nestled himself back on top of me, this time only in his boxers, his bulge clearly visible through the thin fabric.  
Tyler started palming me through my pants, zipper grinding almost painfully against my erection. It only made me harder and that made me even more sensitive. Small moans escaped my lips with every thrust, which seemed to really turn Tyler on. He was staring at me, eyes wide and lips parted.  
I pushed Tyler's hand away and unbuttoned my pants.  
"Off, off," I panted, desperate to free myself. Tyler obliged, helping me out.  
I grabbed his hips, sliding my hand down, towards his ass, while pulling him up against me. He didn't protest, he picked up a pace and started grinding on me.  
"Do you... have... lube?" Tyler asked, his voice raspy, sentence broken down to words.  
"No," I breathed out. I haven't really thought about it. It's never been an issue in my previous relationships.  
"Me neither," Tyler added matter-of-factly. "We won't do anal, then."  
I wasn't too bummed. I didn't think I was ready for anal anyway.  
"S'okay," I asured. Tyler smiled and his lips returned to my skin, leaving kisses down my ribcage in sync with the friction of the griding. The combination of sensuality and lust in his movements was slowly pushing me towards the edge.  
I moved my hands towards the edge of his boxers and tried pulling them down, but Tyler grabbed my hand to stop me.  
"Aren't we impatient, Jishwa?" he asked tauntingly. The aggression with which he spat out my nickname turned me on in a weird way. It also made me realize that I was losing all control I had here and I needed to do something about that.  
Hoping to take Tyler by surprise I pushed him off of me and sat up. Tyler gasped at my sudden movement and loosened the cage he's made from his legs enough for me to escape it. I menaged to get off the bed and drag Tyler with me.  
We were standing in the middle of the room now. Tyler seemed confused, almost dazed. Then I dropped on my knees in front of him, probably grazing them in the process. Tyler's eyes opened wide in bewilderment when he realized what I was doing.  
I was now face to dick with him and up close it seemed bigger than I expected. I grabbed the edge of his boxers and glanced up at Tyler, silently asking for permission. He nodded and already hooked his fingers in my hair. I pulled his boxers down slowly, my gaze still locked with his. I finally looked down and found myself half an intch away from his dick. I've never had a penis this close to my face and I was never about to take it my mouth. I panicked. I've never done this. I didn't know how to do this, whether to spit or swallow, or if I had a gag reflex or not. But I couldn't back out now. I've already got Tyler so exited, waiting for me to take him in.  
My heart was racing, partly from the nervousness, partly from arousal. I ran my hand down his length and across the head, relaxing a bit when Tyler gasped and shivered under my touch. He was clearly enjoying it.  
Then I licked my lips and took him in my mouth, slowly and carefully. I ran my tounge over the underside of his dick.  
"Oh, you're so good, Josh," he moaned, urging me to go further. I took him deeper, the tip almost touching the back of my throat. I started moving my head in a steady rhythm, while my hands moved over Tyler's buttcheecks, massaging and squeezing gently. His hands were not as gentle, though. His fingers dug into my scalp and he kept tugging at my hair whenever I involved my tounge for some extra stimulation. In any other situation that would've hurt, but now it just aroused me further. I hummed with delight and the vibrations pushed Tyler closer to the edge.  
"Fuck me, Josh," he cursed, closing his eyes and throwing his head back. His moans gave me a new drive and I started using my tongue more, twisting around the head and running along the shaft.  
"God, Josh, I'm gonna come soon," Tyler warned me. I quickened my pace, trying to push him over the edge.  
"I swear to God, Josh, if you don't stop right now, I'm coming straight into your filthy mouth," Tyler hissed, a mix of a warning and a threat. I wanted to tell him that was exactly what I wanted, I wanted to taste him so badly, but my mouth was busy at the moment.  
Tyler came with a moan, his fingers entangled in my hair, which seemed to be the only thing keeping him upright. Warm liquid filled my mouth, thick and salty, but at the time it might as well have been nectar from the gods. There was no dillema any more, I swallowed.  
"So good, Josh, fuck," Tyler mumbled above me as he rode out his orgasm. His grip on my hair lossened and he was now caressing me. He moved my chin up so he could look at my face.  
"Are you okay?" he asked. "I was a bit rough."  
"I like it rough," I nodded and he helped me up. I noticed how hard I was. I neglected my own pleasure and now that I was no longer distracted by tending to Tyler's relief, I realized how desperatly I needed it.  
"Let me," Tyler offered when I started subcontiously palming myself. He guided me back to the bed and took my boxers off before pushing me down on the matress.  
He didn't waste any time. He used his hand to wipe my saliva off his dick and licked it before starting to jerk me off, twitching his hips in sync with the pace, graduately getting faster. It felt so much better to have somebody else stimulate you instead of yourself. I soon started panting, tiny whimpers I didn't even try to surpress escaping my lungs every so often. I was getting close.  
"Come for me, Josh," Tyler urged eagerly.  
"I will, Tyler, just don't stop," I answered.  
Tyler ran his thumb over my head then, making me curse. I closed my eyes waiting for that final blow to send me over the edge. It came in the form of Tyler's mouth on my lips, which I hadn't expected in the slightest. His pace didn't slow down at all and in a few strokes my cum was all over my stomach and Tyler's hand. I moaned into Tyler's mouth and felt him smile against my lips.  
"Got you there, didn't I?" he asked playfully, refering to the surprise kiss. I nodded, still to high to manage words.  
Tyler fell down on the bed next to me.  
"Well, that was... something," he commented.  
"Yeah, it was great. It was... it was sick," I agreed and Tyler laughed at my choice of words.  
"We should do it again some time," he suggested.  
"Is that a promise?" I asked and looked at him. He was flushed, breathing heavily, his hair a mess and hand still covered in cum, but all I wanted was to lie with him here, forever.  
"We'll see," he answered teasingly and stood up. So much for lying here forever.  
He went to the bathroom and brought back a wet cloth for me to clean myself.  
"Get dressed, Mark will be home soon," he said. He was still smiling, but his voice was all serious. I understood about Mark, but it hurt that he didn't feel the need to cuddle or just talk. But after all that was what couples did and we weren't a couple. Right?


	10. All The Right Friends In All The Right Places

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tyler and Josh's awkwardness forces them to come out to Mark. Also, Tyler is bad at pick up limes.
> 
> Title from All The Right Moves by OneRepublic.

Buying groceries with your friends is one of the most oddly fun things you can do. When Tyler, Mark and I did it, it mostly consisted of pointing at inappropriately named articles and making terrible puns.

We were walking down the fruit section, Mark was pushing the shoping cart.

"Josh, Josh," I heard Tyler behind me. I turned around. He was already laughing so I prepared myself for another bad joke.

He picked up a lime and and dropped it on the floor. He pretended to gasp in surprise.

"Ohhh, sorry. I'm just really bad at pick up limes," he laughed at his own joke. The joke was terrible and not at all original, but the fact that he just threw a lime at the ground cracked me up.

"Children," Mark murmured under his breath as he pushed the cart past us, but he was laughing quietly too.

Tyler picked the lime back up and put it back on the shelf.

"Sir, you threw that lime on the floor. I'm gonna have to ask you too buy it or at least pay for it."

Tyler and I both jumped in surprise. There was a shopping assistent standing behind Tyler. She didn't look angry, more amused. She probably has to deal with a lot worse things than a lime that's been on the ground.

"Yes, ma'am," Tyler agreed politely and took a plastic bag from the stand. He looked like a little kid caught playing video games before finishing his homework. He even blushed from embarassment. It made me smile.

Tyler put the single lime in the bag and tied it. We left the aisle and as soon as we couldn't see the assistant anymore, we burst out laughing.

"I can't believe that just happened," I snorted and laid my hand on Tyler's shoulder.

"I know. That woman jumpscared me so bad," he added, clenching his chest with one hand.

"I've noticed," I commented.

We finally got ourselves together and started searching for Mark. He'd already left by the time the whole 'you need to buy that, sir' thing happened and we had no idea where in the shop he might be. We found him by the music section.

"I checked to see if they have Vessel. I put it on the front of the stack," he explained when he saw us coming towards him. He did that sometimes, always getting angry if a shop didn't have our album.

"Great, thanks," Tyler said and put the lime in the shopping cart.

"Dude, what the fuck?" Mark asked when he saw it.

"A shopping assistant saw me drop it so I had to buy it," Tyler explained.

"So you bought a single lime?" Mark asked, still confused.

"Well, I'm not gonna buy more than I need to," Tyler defended himself and Mark dropped it.

We were heading for the checkout when Tyler stopped.

"Uhmm, go ahead, Mark, we're just gonna grab something. Wait for us in the car," he told Mark.

"Kay," Mark agreed without digging further and left.

I've agreed with Tyler earlier that we're gonna buy lube today and that we're gonna do it together, because both of us were too shy to do it alone. We searched for a while to find the right shelf.

"Shit," I heard Tyler curse as we turned the corner. There she was, the lime shopping assistant, restacking condoms on the lower shelf.

We quickly turned around and walked out of sight.

"D'you think she'll be done soon?" Tyler asked me in a whispered tone, panic and embarassment clear on his face.

"Didn't look like it," I answered. She had almost a shopping cart full of condom boxes to put on the shelf.

"I can't do that. I can't face her again, just casually taking lube off the shelf," Tyler whispered angrily. I would've laughed if I didn't feel the same.

"Yeah, me neither," I added, glancing around the corner at the woman, still stacking the shelf.

"Wait," Tyler grabbed my sleeve. "She didn't see Mark. She doesn't know him. What if we ask him to buy it for us?" he proposed. It was a stupid idea. It was just lube and we were grown men, we could do it. But we couldn't, so it was a brilliant idea.

Tyler pulled his phone out of his pocket and wrote a text to Mark: "Come back into the shop. We need you."

Mark's reply came back just a few seconds later: "What? Why?"

Tyler looked at me for help and then started writing: "We need you to buy lu"

"No, don't write that," I exclaimed, loud enough to startle Tyler.

He looked at me and waited for my explanation: "If you tell him that now, he'll refuse to come in, just to watch us suffer. Just tell him it's an emergency."

Tyler nodded and backspaced. He wrote: "Just come here. It's an emergency."

"Fine," was all Mark texted back and soon after we saw him come in. Tyler waved at him and Mark came closer.

"What are you guys doing?" he asked. He seemed a bit angry at the inconvenience, but we knew he was going to forgive us once we tell him what was going on.

"The lime lady is restacking condoms and we need you to buy us lube," Tyler explained casually.

"What?" Mark asked in pure confusion and he wasn't an easy person to confuse.

"You know... lube... for, you know... sex and stuff," Tyler elaborated, as if that was the only unclear part of the sentence. His voice was berly a whisper. Embarassment seemed to have gotten the best of him.

"For who?" Mark asked, still confused about the whole situation.

"For us," I said to shift the attention off of Tyler.

"Are you guys together or something?" Mark asked, squinting his eyes.

"Uhm, we're sexually together, like we have sex, but we're not together," I explained.

"So you're fuck friends?" Mark asked carefully.

"Yes," I confirmed, while Tyler corrected him: "Friends with benefits."

Mark kept glancing between us and then sighed.

"You'll explain everything on the way back," he didn't press further. "Now, what kind of lube do you want?"

Tyler looked at me and I shrugged. I had no idea what kinds of lubes existed.

"One that works, I guess?" said Tyler.

"What? They all work," Mark looked at Tyler weirdly. I could tell Tyler was getting impatient and just wanted to get over with it.

"Just get one that smells nice," I told Mark.

"I'm not gonna smell lube," Mark protested and that pushed Tyler over the edge.

"Just get our goddamn lube!" Tyler almost yelled, way too loudly. An elderly man, who was taking spaghetti souce of the shelf a few feet away, turned around and looked at us in outrage. Tyler put his hand to his mouth and started biting his pinky.

Mark sighed and turned the corner to the lube aisle. We walked down the parallel aisle and met Mark at the end. He was holding a small bottle.

"It's pink so it must smell nice," he commented.

"Great. Thank you," I said as we walked to the check out.

Mark put the bottle on the conveyer belt. The checkout lady scaned the code disinterestedly and looked at us. We were three guys, buying a bottle of lube. It must've been a weird sight.

"It's for them," Mark explained, earning a warning look from Tyler.

"I really don't care, sweetheart. That would be $8.99," she said, her voice tired and bored. I couldn't blame her. It was almost closing time.

Once we were in the car Mark turned to us.

"So, when did this happen?" he asked. He probably wanted to know how long we were hiding our relationship to determine how upset he should be.

"A few days ago. When we recorded The Judge," Tyler explained.

Mark nodded.

"And has anything... happened yet?" he asked then. We both knew what he meant.

"Yeah, once," I said and Mark gasped in disbelief.

"Really, guys? You had sex and didn't tell me about it? I thought we were closer than that," Mark reproached. He was such a drama queen sometimes.

"So, how was it?" he asked with a teenager-like naughtiness in his voice.

"It was... fine," Tyler answered, blush spreading over his face. I loved seeing him like that, all innocent and pure. I impulsively decided to push him.

"Oh, come on, Tyler. It was more than fine. You almost pulled my hair out when you came," I teased glancing at him.

I didn't expect him to retaliate, but he did.

"Well, you sure seemed to enjoy that, Mister I-like-it-rough," he replied, watching me with an intense look in his eyes. It sort of turned me on.

"Wow, TMI," Mark's voice cut through the tension.

When we got to our apartment, Tyler stashed the lube away, but I took it out while he was in the shower. The packaging was soft pink, it seemed more romantic than sexual. And Mark was right. It smelled amazing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This has nothing to do with the story, but I'm so excited! I just bought tickets for ers and p!atd concert in Vienna, because they're on two consecutive days, which means I'm seeing two of my favourite bands in one weekend. I'm not gonna survive that.


	11. We Should Just Kiss Like Real People Do

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tyler realizes being friends with benefits isn't working for him.
> 
> Title from Like Real People Do by Hozier.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is sorta sad, sorta fluffy. Hurt/comfort basically.

"Have fun, guys," Mark winked and waved goodbye as he left the apartment. He made plans with one of his high school friends who apparently had some connections in music gear rental.

Mark's taken the news of our relationship quite well, though he seemed a bit sceptical about the whole not-an-actual-relationship-just-sex thing and honestly, so was I.

This was the second night we had apartment for ourselves for the whole evening and we were planning to use it. I was really looking forward to it, since all the insecurities of the first time were gone.

I was just finishing putting our plates in the dishwasher when I heard Tyler's voice behind me.

"Yeah, bend over for me, Josh, I'm gonna make you come so hard tonight."

My eyes widened and I felt blood rush to my face and some other parts of my body. His voice was deep and thick, barely audiable, but still clear. It was dripping with lust.

I straightened up and turned to face him. He was standing right behind me, shirtless, his hair ruffled. All I could do was stare at him in awe. He was so goddamn beautiful, wanting in his eyes so obvious. It made me feel worthy just to know I could do that to a person.

"I'm sorry about that. I shouldn't have said that. It's just I'm trying to shed all my filters and give in to the feeling completely. And when I do that it's like something takes over me. I'm way too shy and self conscious to fully enjoy this otherways," he tried to franticly explain. He seemed so much smaller that he had just moments ago, ashamed and genuinely sorry. I felt sad seeing him apologize for something completely normal and not at all wrong.

I hugged him and he let me.

"Don't apologize. That's normal and I understand. I do the same thing. And I wasn't judging you before. I was just looking at you and your beautiful body," I tried to comfort him. I knew that calling him beautiful might be against our no-feelings-involved rule, but I felt like he needed that now.

"Thank you," he murmured and left for the room. He came back fully clothed and sat on the couch.

"I'm sorry. I know it's a rare opportunity that we're alone, but I'm really not in the mood right now," he mumbled, looking down at his hands. I hated seeing him like that, hating himself for something he didn't even do.

I sat down next to him.

"Stop apologizing, Tyler. You've done absolutely nothing wrong, okay?" I told him. He leaned his head on my shoulder.

"I did something wrong. I had sex with you. And it's not your fault. It was great. I was just stupid enough to think I could do that without..." Tyler suddenly stopped.

I felt wet drops hit my shoulder. He was crying. I felt I knew what he was going to say, but I didn't push further. Instead, I gently pushed his head into my lap and started stroking his hair. He moved his feet on the couch and curled up in my lap. Tears were still streaming down his cheeks, but apart from deep breathing, he made no sound. He was a silent crier, probably something he learned when he cried himself to sleep as a teenager, trying not to wake up his siblings.

"We should stop, Josh. Seriously, what were we thinking? Having sex and staying friends? We should've seen it coming. It's in every movie ever," Tyler whined.

"Of course we can stop," I assured Tyler, running my fingers gently through his hair. It seemed to soothe him. The tears have stopped, but his body still trembled with little sobs.

"I guess I just thought that I could seperate our friendship, my feelings and the sex thing, but I couldn't. When you looked at me before, the adoration in your eyes, I lost it. It made me want to hold your hand and kiss you gently and I know we can't do that, but you made me feel beautiful just by looking at me and I felt all of it at once. I wanted to be your friend, your lover and your boyfriend," Tyler continued. I understood exactly what he meant by that and I wanted it too.

"We could do that," I suggested carefully. "We don't have to label it, but I get what you feel. I feel it too sometimes. If you think about it, we're always on the road and the chances of managing a relationship with someone else are minimal. But we have each other and there's no reason why we shouldn't tend to each other's comfort, because everyone needs to feel loved and if that feeling comes from your best friend, so be it," I tried to justify my suggestion.

Tyler was quiet for a long time before answering: "I don't know, Josh. I know I want that, but I'm not sure we should do that. Can we just... Can we just sleep now? I need to calm down."

"Yeah, sure," I agreed and carefully lifted Tyler's head of my lap. He gargled in protest, but hummed contently when I setteled behind him. I reached to the end of the couch where Mark kept the blanket and pulled it over us. I draped my arm over Tyler's waist. He entwined his fingers in mine.

I've never felt closer to him, not even with his dick in my mouth. Honestly, feeling Tyler slowly falling asleep in my embrace, his sobs quieting down and breathing deepening made me feel special, like he was trusting me with something important. I drifted off to sleep, probably grinning like a kid.

 

I woke up to Tyler breathing in my face. I opened my eyes to see he was staring at me. He smiled and I naturally followed.

"Thank you," he said then, voice quiet and hoarse from sleep.

"What for?" I asked and yawned. Tyler yawned after me.

"For not being angry at me," Tyler explained. "Yesterday, I mean."

"Why would I be angry?" I asked. I really had no idea.

"Because I ruined our plan of casual sex," he said with an apologetic grin. I laughed a little.

"You know, not everything is about sex. I kinda liked this," I made a gesture with my hand. "Us, sleeping together with no sex involved."

Tyler nodded. "It was nice," he agreed.

"That's what I was trying to say yesterday. That we should cuddle if we want to, or hold hands or kiss or do anything we both conset to. Not like we're dating. It doesn't have to be dates and anniversaries and meeting the parents. It's not like we're getting married. We don't even have to be exclusive. I just want to be able to take pleasure in physical and mental closeness to my best friend," I started babbling. I didn't plan to talk so much, but somewhere during the first sentance Tyler closed his eyes and I didn't know what that meant so I got nervous and just kept talking.

Tyler smiled and relief washed over me.

"I'd love that," he said, his eyes still closed. But then his smile faded.

"I'm just scared, Josh. It's a big change and I don't like that. But I'm willing to give it a chance if you'll help me through. But the second our friendship starts shattering, we stop, okay?" he added.

I nodded, but then I realized he couldn't see me.

"Of corse," I agreed. Tyler opened his eyes then, they were blurred, probably from holding back tears. But he was smiling again, so it was fine. He leaned forward slowly and I caught his lips midway, deepening the kiss, but still keeping it tender. Tyler's hand shot up and caressed my cheek. We pulled away and just stared at each other, both smiling like idiots.

"It's gonna be worth the risk," I assured both Tyler and myself.

"Yeah, it's gonna be great," Tyler agreed and cuddled up next to me.

"It's gonna be great," he repeated into my shoulder.


	12. I'm Not As Think As You Drunk I Am

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Tyler's birthday and Josh has a special surprise for him. Things don't go the way he planned.
> 
> Title from Don't Threaten Me With A Good Time by Panic! At The Disco.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so this is the kinkiest chapter of this fic. It's not that kinky really, they're just starting to explore. This chapter is a bit longer than usual.

Tyler's birthday was coming along and I was clueless as of what to get him. Something friendly? Something romantic? Something dirty?

I was standing in a little private shop with Mark. The shop was filled with all sorts of items, from little statues of roman soldiers to colorful plastic strings people used to make keychains that were all the hype ten years ago and were, judging by the look of the packaging, in store since then.

"I'm just saying I have no idea what to get him. Do I go for like roses and stuff or do I get him a new tank top or something?" I asked Mark, who was inspecting an old polaroid camera.

"I'll tell you what you should get him. Mind blowing. Birthday. Sex. Let him take control for once," Mark suggested. I gaped at him with wide eyes. We were the only people in the shop apart from a middle-aged lady sitting behind the counter who looked up interestedly.

"He is usually in control," I mumbled, hoping the lady didn't hear me. I didn't know why I told Mark that and I knew I probably shouldn't have, but it was too late now.

"What? You're bottom?" Mark asked loudly, looking at me with surprise.

"Yeah and no need to scream," I answered as calmly as I could. I practically felt the lady's stare at the back of my head.

"Sorry, it's just I always assumed... Since you're physically stronger, you know. And Tyler's like the most innocent person ever," Mark explained.

I huffed.

"You have no idea, man. The guy's got some dark sides," I said, not really caring if the lady hears us anymore. She's heard enough already.

"I can imagine. With the darkness in his head, he's bound to have some kinks," Mark nodded.

"Do the opposite, then. Take control. Fuck him hard. Make him remember it," he added after a while, moving on from the camera to lego brick designs.

"I don't know, man. I enjoy bottoming. Plus, he's too dominant. If I tried to take control, he might punish me. Not that he does that, but who knows where our relationship might go," I protested, blushing hard, still not sure why I was suddenly confiding everything in Mark, but at the same time I felt kinda cool in a sinful kind of way.

Mark stopped suddenly, staring at me, his eyes huge in disbelief.

"Wow, you guys do that? Handcuffs and  whips and stuff?" he asked.

"Noooo," I denied it way too quickly. "But we might. Last time Tyler asked if we should establish a safe word, just in case."

"Ooooh," he looked at me with naughtiness and approval. "Did you?"

I nodded and looked at the ground. I never imagined I would be confirming that my best friend and I just agreed on a safe word. Mark burst out laughing at my embarrassment and patted me on the back.

"Good luck," he wished and casually walked over to the lady at the counter who was staring at us with a perplexed look on her face.

"How much for the polaroid?" he asked as if he hadn't just been talking about kinky sex life of his two best friends.

 

The truth was, I hadn't thought much about our safe word thing. I more or less agreed, because Tyler had his fingers in my ass and I just wanted him to take them out and shove his dick in instead. But did Tyler really mean that? Was he really into that? Was I?

Was I? I've never done anything apart from missionary vaginal before Tyler and now I was contemplating whether I was okay with bondage. What has happened to me?

We've gotten rough with Tyler, drawing blood and biting, Tyler once made me beg for him to fuck me and I found all of that oddly arousing. But doing something that might make me feel unsafe enough to use a sefe word? I was a little bit scared. Well, a whole bit scared. And a whole bit excited.

 

Tyler's birthday party was lit. Mark noticed that we were yet to use the lone lime Tyler bought and apparently the first thing Mark thought of, was: "Why not throw Tyler a giant birthday party? That way we can use the lime for tequila shots." That's just how Mark's mind worked.

The whole crew flew in, all our friends from Columbus and Tyler's brothers. His parents came by to wish him happy birtday, but passed on the party. We were thinking of going out, but decided against it, because of the fangirls that might recognize us, so we stayed in the apartment.

Mark bought lots of booze, too much for the amount of people that came and by midnight the party was getting out of hand. I wasn't too drunk, just slightly tipsy, but Tyler was a different matter. He was a lightweight as it was, but today everybody wanted to drink with the birthday boy and Mark made it his personal mission to keep Tyler's glass full.

The worst thing was, as Tyler got drunker, he also got sloppier, flirting with me, calling me 'his boy' and once straight up taking my hand and leaning in to kiss me. We've agreed to keep our relationship a secret, though, so I pushed him aside jokingly and tried to pretend I didn't want to make out with him right then and there. I knew that in a drink or two I wouldn't be able to restrain myself either so I decided to call it a night, drinking-wise.

I kept thinking about my birthday present for Tyler. I bought 'the formal present', the one I already gave him - new ukulele strings and sunglasses, actually useful stuff. But the real present was yet to come. For one night I was gonna be Tyler's sexual slave, obey his every order and let him do whatever he wanted to me. I bought a pair of simple black leathered handcuffs. I was planning on buying something more original, but when I saw the collection of whips and harnesses, I freaked out and grabbed the most vanilla thing on the shelf. It was enough for now.

By two in the morning people were starting to leave. Our crew stayed a bit longer, bur eventually they left too, leaving Tyler, Mark and me with a completely trashed living room. Mark just swatted empty cups off the couch and flopped on it. Apparently we'll put off cleaning for tomorrow.

I lead Tyler to our room, nervousness knotting my stomach. I pulled the package with handcuffs from under my bed and called for Tyler.

"Hey, Ty, I bought something for you," I yelled and Tyler stepped behind me curiously. I handed him the package waiting for him to inspect the contents on his own. I could see the exact moment realization hit his face, mouth dropping and eyes glistening.

"Are you serious?" he asked and I nodded. I was too nervous to speak.

He tear at the plastic, almost ripping the package in half and pulled out a pair of handcuffs.

"Nice," he commented and smiled at me. His smile dissipated slightly when he saw my worried expresion. I tried to force a smile, but I didn't know if that helped.

"I want to try this," I started to explain. "I'm nervous, but I'm also excited and if you want to, I thought tonight I could be your slave. One last present for your birthday."

Tyler nodded and pressed his lips gently to mine. He tasted of alcohol, but so did I, probably. To be honest I would've probably backed out if I weren't drunk. I could feel anxiety trying to freak out and alcohol trying to keep it quiet.

"I'd love that. Do you remember the safe word?" he asked once we pulled away.

I nodded and recited: "Lime if all's okay, lemon if I want to tone it down, orange if I want to stop."

Tylet nodded and walked to his nightstand to fetch lube and condoms. He was swaying back and forth. Honestly, considering how much he'd drunk, I was surprised he was able to walk anyway. I didn't particulary care, though, I just hoped he won't miss the hole.

I sprawled myself on my bed and waited for him to return. He set the items aside and started kissing at my neck passionately.

"Here's how it's gonna be. You don't come until I tell you to. You don't touch me or yourself unless I tell you to. Clear?" he asked, his voice low, almost a growl. I could feel my dick tent against my jeans. I was still comprehanding the fact that Tyler's voice alone could turn me on.

"Yes, sir," I answered, 'sir' escaping my lips involuntarily.

Tyler stopped nibbling at my neck and lifted himself on his hands to look at me.

"Don't call me that. I'm not ready yet," Tyler ordered. I could see a hint of fear in his eyes too, but it was heavily overshadowed by lust and admiration.

"Sorry," I apologized and Tyler returned to my neck, his lips working down towards my shirt. He tugged at the hem and I lifted myself so he could take it off. His lips slowly travelled down my chest, stopping at my nipple and willing it erect with his tongue. It made me whimper quietly, which in turn made Tyler laugh against my chest.

Tyler finally decided to add some friction and that's when I made my first mistake. My hands instinctevely shot up to Tyler's hips to keep him closer and all of a sudden Tyler stopped still and gently pushed my hands away. He prompted himself above me, eliminating all contact we had and looked at me with a stern expression.

"I'm gonna let that slide, since it's your first time doing this, but if you touch me again you're getting handcuffed," he threatened. Honestly, I wanted the handcuffs. That's why I bought them, right? But I still decided to try to keep my hands off of him for as long as I could.

I nodded in agreement and Tyler returned to his mix of kissing and grinding that was driving me crazier that it should've. I gripped the bedsheets to keep myself from running my hands over Tyler's body.

Finally his kisses moved down the happy trail and stopped at the edge of my jeans. He unbuttoned the pants and pulled them down agonizingly slowly. He returned for my boxers, smirking slightly before taking them in his mouth and pulling them down, the friction of the fabric making me moan. It felt weird to be completely naked while Tyler was still fully clothed, but I knew better than to rush Tyler.

Tyler slowly brought his mouth to my dick, sticking his tongue out and pressing it against the tip, my moans getting louder and my fingers tangling in Tyler's hair.

I cursed and forced my hands away from Tyler, but it was too late.

"You've got no control, Josh. I'm dissapointed. Turn around," Tyler said, shaking his head. His words stung more than the punishment.

"I'm sorry, I promise I'll get better," I apologized, but I still flipped myself on my stomach, my erection throbbing painfully against the bedsheets. I crossed my hand behind my back and felt the rough touch of leather on my wrists. I heard two clicks and then Tyler: "Okay, turn around."

I obeyed him, the new sensation of restraint in my wrists making me even harder than I already was.

Tyler tended to my dick again, kissing the tip and slowly taking me in his mouth. He bobbed his head, taking me deeper every time. I didn't try to suppress my moans and curses. I knew Tyler enjoyed hearing them.

Tyler stopped suddenly, choking sounds escaping his throat. He swallowed his saliva and tried again, taking my dick as deep as he could, but then he just let go of it and started coughing. He covered his mouth with his hand and rushed from the room, mumbling something I couldn't understand.

He was usually able to control his gag reflex, but I guessed the combination of drunkenness and lying down position made him sick.

I waited for him, but when he hadn't come back for five minutes, I called out. No response. My dick was throbbing in pain and it felt like it might burst, so I rolled over and started humping the bed as efficiently as I could with my hands behind my back. It wasn't a pretty sight and I knew Tyler wouldn't like me doing that, but I just couldn't help myself.

Another ten minutes passed and Tyler still hadn't showed, nor did he respond to my calls. I was getting worried and decided to check up on him.

I turned my back to the bathroom door, hoping they weren't locked. They weren't and I somehow I managed to open them with my bonded hands. Tyler was sitting on the floor, hugging the toilet like it were his lover, his head leaning on the seat. He must've passed out. My mind filled with anger, worry and laughter at once.

I nudged Tyler with my foot and called his name. No response. I repeated, shaking his shoulders. He swayed and collapsed on the ground, but he didn't wake up. I wasn't too worried. He was clearly still breathing, he was just very deep asleep.

I needed to get him into bed, but my hands were useless. I sighed. I stepped to the door to the living room and called Mark's name. Nothing.

I managed to stumble through the door and pushed the lightswitch with my head.

"What the fuck?" I heard Mark yell. "Josh?"

I turned around, exposing my half hard dick to Mark.

"Dude," he said in disgust. "I did not need to see that."

I flushed.

"Nevermind that. Tyler's passed out in the bathroom and I need your help to get him to bed," I explained.

Mark sighed and put his palms on his eyes, but he rolled off the couch groggily and followed me out of the room.

"Come on, let's get you sorted first," he said and walked past me into my room, careful not to touch me.

"Do you remember where the keys are?" he asked, looking around the room.

It took me a second to realize what he meant. Keys for the handcuffs. I started to panic.

"Uhmmm, check the packaging, they must still be inside," I suggested, praying I was right.

"Found them," Mark exclaimed. He took a small pair of keys from the torn plastic on the floor. I sighed in relief.

I turned my back to Mark, so he could unlock the cuffs.

"You guys are disgusting," he murmured under his breath.

I scoffed.

"Just a few days ago you wanted to know all about it and now we're disgusting?" I asked while I put on my boxers, rising an eyebrow at him.

"Look, what he's made of you, Josh. Five years ago you were still a virgin and now your boyfriend's passed out in the bathroom and you're walking around handcuffed and hard," he said, elongating the word 'hard'. "Where has your innocence gone, Josh?"

"Hey, don't kinkshame," I pouted. I knew he was just mocking me.

"I'm not," he assured and smiled.

We returned to the bathroom and carefully lifted Tyler up. He groaned in protest without waking up. We managed to bring him in the room and lay him on my bed. Mark returned to his couch and I lay down next to Tyler, wrapping my arms around him. My erection has already subsided, but there was still a visible tent in his jeans and he was whimpering quietly. I wondered what he was dreaming about.

I planted a kiss on his neck and he let out a sigh that sounded like my name. I smiled to myself and fell asleep. Tomorrow morning will require lots of explaining.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know drunk people don't really act like that, but anyway, hope you enjoyed.


	13. Don't Need Another Perfect Lie (I'm Gonna Give All My Secrets Away)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tyler and Josh discuss going public.
> 
> Title from Secrets by OneRepublic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is kinda boring tbh. I just wanted Tyler and Josh to tackle the issue of telling the fans about their relationship, because I think that would be one of the biggest problems if the two actually started dating.

"What the fuck?" I felt Tyler shift in front of me. He rolled to his left side, facing me.

"Morning, sunshine," I greeted him and smiled, though it was probably afternoon already. He smiled back.

"Morning," he replied through a yawn. "My head hurts so bad."

I giggled. My head hurt as well and my mouth were dry as fuck. I usually prepared a glass of water on the nightstand when I drank, but today I forgot. I didn't want to get up just yet, though.

"I'm gonna make you an aspirin later," I promised. "Uhm, how much do you remember?"

Tyler looked at me with a quizzical expression.

"Not much. Why? Did I do something?" he asked.

"Well, kind of. But it's not a big deal," I laughed. Of course he didn't remember anything.

"Tell me," he asked. He seemed afraid almost. I was thinking about not telling him, because I knew he'd be angry at himself, but it was too late now. I needed to make this as casual as I could. I reached up to the nightstand and grabbed the handcuffs. Tyler's eyes went wide with horror.

"Oh my God," he exclaimed. His face becoming pale and red at the same time.

I laughed and he relaxed a bit.

"Did we..." he couldn't finish the sentance.

"Well, technically neither of us came. You were sucking me off, but you got sick and ran to the bathroom and then you passed out and left me naked and handcuffed," I explained casually.

"Oh, God. I'm so so sorry. I didn't mean to do that," he started apologizing frantically.

"I know," I tried to reasure him, before he'd go into full on panic attack. "I'm not judging you. It's not like you planned to pass out."

I drew circles onto his shoulder with my finger and that must've calmed him down, because he just mumbled "Sorry" again and let it go.

"Where did I even get these?" he asked, taking the cuffs in his hands and inspecting them carefully.

"I bought them," I said and his eyes went wide again, this time from surprise.

"I didn't know you were into this," he said.

"Why would I agree to a safe word if I weren't? And I figured, since you were the one who initiated the safe word thing, you were into it too. Are you?" I was getting worried that he might not even like it. He enjoyed it yesterday, but he was drunk.

"I guess," Tyler hid his face in his hands. "I know it's weird. It just turns me on so much when I see what I can do to you. When you become so desperate you would do anything to get relief."

I could see the red on his face through his hands. I gently removed them from his face and smiled at him.

"It's not weird. I'm the one getting hard as soon as you put those on me," I gestured towards the handcuffs. "If you want to do this sometime, I'm in."

"Yeah, we could try it sometime. For real. No booze and passing out," he agreed and finally looked me in the eyes. It seemed weird that we were talking about bondage, but we were looking at each other with such affection and tenderness, it made my heart melt.

I closed the small distance between our lips. His mouth was even drier than mine, his lips chapped, but it felt good.

We pulled away and Tyler went back to studying the handcuffs.

"How did you get out of these?" he asked curiously.

"Mark," I answered and Tyler laughed.

"Poor guy. He deserves a medal," he commented.

I nodded. He's been so supportive and nonjudgmental. What did we do to deserve him?

"Stay here, I'll bring you some aspirin. And coffee," I told him and rolled over him to get out of bed.

"Hurry back," Tyler called behind me.

Mark was already up, picking up trash through the living room.

"You should've woken us up. You don't need to clean everything on your own," I told him, making my way to the coffee machine.

"Nah, it's fine," he replied. "Is Tyler alright?"

"Yeah. Just hungover. Doesn't remember a thing," I answered.

"You told him?" Mark asked, stopping with the cleaning for a moment.

"Yeah. Hey, thanks for yesterday. I owe you," I said, remembering my conversation with Tyler. I poured two glasses of water and waited for the coffee maker to ding.

"No problem, man. It happens. If I ever get stuck in handcuffs, I know you've got my back," he replied.

"Sure, man," I laughed and put the two glasses of water and two cups of coffee on a tray that we used for snacks yesterday. I carried it barista-style and stopped in the bathroom to grab two aspirins.

I set the tray down on the nightstand. Tyler sat upright and grabbed my arm to stady himself.

"God, my head," he whined and I handed him the water and the aspirin. He thanked me and threw the tablet in the water. I did the same.

For a while we just sat on the bed and waited for our aspirin to dissolve, listening to quiet fizzy noises.

"What happens when we get back on the road?" Tyler broke the silence.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"With us, you know. Now we pretty much have all the privacy we need, but then we'll be constantly surrounded by fans. And half of them ship as already. It'll be much harder to hide it," he explained worriedly.

"True," I agreed. "But what's the harm in that. The shipping, I mean. Unless we confirm it, it doesn't mean anything."

"Yeah, but I don't wanna live a lie. What if we tell them. I'm sure the clique would be supportive," Tyler said, sipping down on his aspirin.

That took me by surprise. I never thought about telling the fans about us. It didn't seem like a good idea. It would devide the clique and just start the drama. People wouldn't think of us as the band with great music. We would become the band where the singer's fucking the drummer. But then again, I imagined taking Tyler's hand and kissing him on the cheek in front of thousends of screaming fans.

After a long pause I replied: "If you're ready and you're sure it's a good idea, we can come out. And one day we're going to. But I honestly think it's too big a deal for the clique right now. Things could get out of hand pretty quickly. The world's not ready for Joshler."

Tyler nodded.

"You're right. We don't have to rush it. And I prefer Tysh, by the way," Tyler agreed.

I laughed at our ship name.

"Tysh! Sounds like someone sneezed," I commented and Tyler laughed too.

I leaned back on the wall and exchanged my empty glass for the mug of coffee. Tyler lay down on my lap, handing me his glass to do the same. He figured he couldn't drink laying down, so he sat up in my lap and leaned his head on my chest. He interlaced his free hand with mine and hummed contently.

"Don't make a big deal out of it..." Tyler said and sipped his coffee. "But I just want to say it... I love you, Josh... in every aspect of our relationship."

I imagined him saying that, I imagined my heart racing and my mind thinking whether to say it back. But it wasn't like that. My heart was at piece and my mind knew the answer.

"Love you too, Ty," I replied and kissed the top of his head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter tomorrow. Kinda sad this is ending.


	14. Try To Love Me And I'll Try To Save You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tyler and Josh are about to release a new album and Tyler is insecure.
> 
> Title from Lovely by twenty one pilots (I know I already used this song for a title, deal with it).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, the last chapter. I have no idea how to end this thing and I don't really like how it turned out. The problem was that there was no actual plot apart from relationship developement and I didn't know how to resolve that, but I wanted to end this on a more serious note, so I decided to bring back some angst (it's still sorta fluffy though). Basically, I think a loving relationship means being there for each other when times are tough and that's when you know your relationship is strong.  
> Also, there's a reference at the end of the chapter to [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UZoR-a0e5gU) performance.

A few weeks before the album's release have been hell for Tyler. Blurryface's been taking over almost every night. We always acted as if we were completely confident in our music, but we weren't. We knew it was good and we liked it, but there was something different about this album. We knew people were waiting for it and not just a few people, it was thousands. And the thought of being judged by thousands of people without having a chance to explain was scary. Especially for Tyler who's literary bared his soul on this album. What if people reject his soul? What if they look at his soul and see how twisted it is?

Usually, my words and gentle touches were enough to calm him down, but one night I woke up to an empty bed. I could hear rattling somewhere in an otherwise quiet apartment. My mind imediately went to a dark place.

When I found Tyler, he was standing in the bathroom, watching himself in the mirror. His hands and his neck were covered in black paint, the one we were planning to use at concerts to represent Blurryface. The neck part wasn't painted in straight lines, instead there were visible handprints as if he'd painted his hands first and then started choking himself. Tyler's never worn the paint out of the context of the album and seeing him now as he watched himself intently in the mirror, eyes full of fear, broke my heart.

"It's not good enough, Josh," he said suddenly, his voice monotonous and sad. "The album. It's not good enough."

He turned to face me.

"What are you talking about? The album's great and you know it. We worked hard on it and the fans love the singles we've released so far," I tried to get him to calm down.

"But I don't like it," Tyler protested.

"Just yesterday you told me how proud you were of us," I argued. He's never said that he wouldn't like the album before. It took me by surprise.

"No, Josh, I don't like it," Tyler explained, pointing at himself. I got it then. 'Him' was Blurryface. Tyler's said before that the paint helped him get in character. He was giving in to his anxiety and his insecurity. There was no filter now. He was acting on instinct.

I got scared then. Not for myself, but for Tyler. Because I knew what I wanted to do when anxiety took over and becoming a full-fledged representation of your anxiety could not be good for you.

I assesed the room. Of course there were no razors or anything else potrntially dangerous around. We've both left that chapter of our lives behind. We've suffered enough to know to steer clear of self-harm. And we had to stay strong for our fans. You can't tell them to fight through it when you've got bleeding lines on your wrists.

But Tyler said it himself. "Nothing kills man faster than his own head." And Tyler was about to self destruct.

"I hate it, I hate it, I hate it," Tyler was murmuring to himself. His head was in his hands, his body trembling. I hugged him over the shoulders and he started crying. Sobs were shaking through his body and he kept repeating the three words. But after a minute his mouth started shaping a different message. It sounded almost the same, but I could hear it clearly: "Help me, help me, help me."

His quiet pleads brought tears to my eyes. I didn't even try to hold them back.

"I'm here, Tyler. I'm here and I'm staying here until you're okay. Just let it out. I'll help you. I'll help you defeat him," I was trying my best to comfort Tyler, though I wasn't sure he was hearing me.

Eventually he quieted down and looked up at me. I knew what was coming and I didn't want to hear it.

"Don't apologize," I frowned at him and he stopped mid sound, mouth gaping. Then he just mumbled a quiet 'sorry' and bit his lip.

"Is he gone?" I asked. I knew Tyler understood what I meant.

He shook his head.

"He's still here, but he's quiet. Thank you," he said.

I nodded. That was good enough.

"Do you want us to do something about the album? We can postpone the release date if you want to go over it again," I proposed. I didn't like that idea, but if it helped Tyler, I was fine with it.

"No," Tyler declined. "I just want this to be over. I want to release the thing, see how fans take it, whether it's good or bad. It's just too much presure to keep it all to myself."

"Hey, we can call Fueled in the morning, see what we can do about the release. It's just five days anyway, but we'll try to make it as soon as possible, okay?" I offered and Tyler smiled at me.

"Thanks, Josh," he said and pulled me in for another hug. "That's why I love you, you know? Because you make everything better. You make me better. Blurry's scared of you, because he knows he can't exist if you're around."

I giggled against his shoulder: "I love you too."

When we pulled away from the hug, he added: "And I love you because you can see me crying and referring to my inner demons as a character and you don't even question it. You deserve so much better than what my twisted mind can give you."

I looked at him and smiled sadly.

"Tyler, there is not an idea you could have or a messed up thing you could say that would make me look at you and not see the most beautiful and truthful mind I ever had a privilage of catching a glimpse of."

 

Tyler's fears were pointless. The album's been doing great, people have been loving it and our new music was the talk of the day, wherever we showed up. The whole Blurryface concept was well accepted with the fans and he became this character everybody feared and related to. In fact, they probably feared him, because they related to him.

Tyler kept telling people that the album was about defeating Blurryface. I felt proud of that. Alltogether, the whole promotion we were doing felt victorious.

We had a small acoustic show in Germany. The fact, that people on the other side of the world knew about our band was still baffling me. I didn't have my drums with me, so Tyler was on the stage by himself, though I helped with the hosting.

The next song on the programme was We Don't Believe What's On TV. It was the song that came out of the lyrics Tyler showed me that day on the bus, the lyrics I'm still pretty sure he wrote about me, bit he always denied that.

The mellow sounds filled the room as Tyler began strumming. It was a much more toned down version of the album track, but it still seemed happy, though more chill than hyper. I was seated in the corner of the room, humming quietly to myself.

Tyler stopped playing suddenly.

"A lot of people think this song is about Josh, but it is not," he said and the room filled with giggles. Tyler started playing again, but then he looked at me, grinning widely. He turned  back to the microphone.

"But today it is," he added. Some girls from the audience 'awww'ed and I could here some whispers, probably the shippers adding Tyler's words to the list of 'proof that Joshler is real'. If only they knew.

Tyler kept looking at me and I started blushing. I was afraid my body language would give too much away. I shifted uncomfortablly and Tyler apparently cought up on that.

"You told me not to look at you, but I'm looking at you, I'm sorry," he apologized, but that just made it worse. I smiled nervously, hoping the audience would just write it off as my anxiety. Thankfully Tyler started singing again, all attention shifted to him and I could breathe again.

After we left the cozy room he performed in and got to our dressing room, Tyler leaned close to me and whispered: "It is about you. And it's the least I can give you."

I pulled him into a hug and thanked him. Actually, that was the most impirtant thing Tyler could give me. It meant that I was such a big part of his mind, it led him to write a piece of art. I was part of Tyler's beautiful mind and that was the most amazing thing ever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's it, I guess. I know the ending's not really great and it could've been a lot better, I just suck at endings (because I don't have any experience, because I don't finish stuff I start to write). Hope you still liked it and thank you so much for making it this far. Love you, guys and stay alive.


End file.
